Why I Learned to Stop Counting Who Doesn't Show Up For Me But Valuing Those That Do

Isn't it funny that we tell ourselves the decisions that need to be made, but we still seek validation outside of us? As humans, the reassurance we feel from being validated by those we love provides us with a certain level of happiness. At some point in my life, I trained myself to believe that external validation supersedes my own personal validation and belief in myself. We often feel better about things when others validate them, but it can be very harmful. You're training yourself to only move forward with something if you receive praise or validation from outside of you rather than trusting how you feel about said thing.

Yes, it is perfectly acceptable to want to feel validated by others. It's okay for you to enjoy some level of approval and feel good about when that energy comes from others; it's just harmful when we live for that validation and focus more on how others make us feel over how we feel about ourselves. I remember when I wasn't quite sure who I was and how I fit in. I wasn't comfortable with showing up to spaces as myself. Yes, there was even a time in my life when I was bullied in school, which resulted in me constantly feeling like I had to make my own way. It wasn't until adulthood that I felt I had real friends or even real genuine people around who truly cared. Imagine going your entire life feeling lonely... Empty at times. My journey was 85% of me trying to avoid meeting people in which the relationships resulted in me being repeatedly wronged by people I loved. I was living in avoidance of life continuously repeating itself.

The funny thing? No matter how hard I tried or how much I feared, life still fu*king happened. Fear does not prevent life from running its course. Fear makes it easier for life to run a number on you because you live expecting it. And anytime anything slightly resembles what you're afraid of, you run... I spent half of my life running. I also spent the same amount of time pointing the blame. I held people hostage with my hatred. I was condemning those who never showed up to clap for me—condemning those who walked away when all I ever wanted them to do was stay. I love you; how can you not love me? How can you not want to stick around? Look at me; I'm being successful; clap for me? Why aren't you clapping for me? Why don't you care? These were all of my questions, but did they truly matter? Did it matter if people showed or not? My eagerness to be desired, liked, validated, and appreciated, was strong. But it also stood in the way of two significant relationships—the one with God and myself.

Then one day, I stopped counting. I stopped living for those who weren't living for me. I stopped being worried about the people who were no-shows. I stopped looking around for validation or appreciation. I clapped for my damn self when there was no one else. I turned my back on the idea that I needed anybody to approve of my greatness. I forgave the people I felt caused me to hurt, and I moved forward with my life. I sought healing. I sought to love myself, so these feelings wouldn't ever reoccur. Here is why we need to learn to stop counting who doesn't show up. When life comes to an end, and we stand before God on judgment day, it'll just be ourselves and our creator. We will have harbored these old feelings for most of our lives. Carrying around hatred and unforgiveness because we wanted man to be what only God can be to us. If we aren't careful, we can spend our whole lives overlooking the people who do appreciate us and show up for us.

We can forget to acknowledge those people because we're too worried about those that are never there. Stop counting. Stop keeping track. If they were meant to be there, they would be. Life is about growth and progression. We cannot progress or grow if we are stuck on why the world does not clap when we do a job well done. Now is the time to learn that you are valuable despite who sees your effort. You are meaningful despite who sees your power. And your success is unlimited despite those who refuse to clap when you accomplish great things. Turn your back on the people who don't see how much of a gem you are, but run toward those who do.