Embracing Autonomy: Personal Agency in Motherhood and Identity
Growing up, I was a very self-assured little girl. I knew so many things about myself that I knew for sure: I knew what I wanted and did not want. By age 10, something in me just knew that I would be a mother someday. I knew this not because it was something that I was forcibly told women were supposed to do but because the natural nurturer in me knew that it would be a part of my path at some point. Fast forward, as a 30+ mother of a two-year-old, I love everything about my current motherhood journey.
Motherhood is such a beautiful, transformative journey filled with love, challenges, and self-discovery. It is a profound experience that shapes the course of a woman's life. I get asked a lot of advice about motherhood, and my first key for women contemplating motherhood is to ensure that it is a journey they absolutely want to embark on. Today, there are so many societal expectations, cultural norms, and interpersonal influences that shape our decision-making when it comes to motherhood. I actually love seeing women being honest about the fact that they do not see motherhood in their future. The more honest women are with themselves, the less chance they have of birthing a child they later resent.
Motherhood is a huge step in life, and it’s a decision that should be made autonomously, detached from what family suggests, what a partner may want or any other external pressures. It is equally important to resist the temptation of allowing your relationship or role as a mother to solely define your personal identity. There’s been a lot of discourse online about women loving their children but simultaneously hating being a mother. In my subjective opinion, the two cannot coexist, but that’s a topic for another day. I wanted to explore the significance of autonomous decision-making in entering motherhood and emphasize the need to maintain your personal identity beyond the roles of wife and mother.
Very early in my pregnancy journey, I vowed not to lose myself in motherhood or my relationship. I knew wholeheartedly that while this was something that I was genuinely ready for, I had a career, social life, hobbies, and priorities before my child and my partner. My life work wasn’t about to become solely about serving them. The decision to become a mother is a very personal one and should ideally be driven by your own desires, aspirations, and emotional readiness. I can’t tell you how many women I’ve met who regret not waiting even when their gut told them to. Unfortunately, external influences such as societal expectations, familial pressures, and cultural norms are often the determining factors for women when deciding whether it is the right time for them to become a mother. Society tends to prescribe a timeline for when women should start a family, creating an environment where external expectations can overpower personal convictions, and sadly, a lot of women fall into that trap.
If I don’t encourage you to do anything else, the one thing I will always champion is aligning your reproductive choices with your desires, values, goals, and emotional well-being. When entering motherhood becomes a conscious and independent choice of your own, the foundation for a more fulfilling and authentic parenting experience is laid. Autonomy in decision-making also enables you to embrace the challenges of motherhood with a sense of ownership, fostering a positive environment for both you and the child.
Aside from ensuring my decision about motherhood was one of my own, a big part of why my journey has felt balanced is because I chose a partner who shared the same life values, parenting goals, and beliefs as I did. As women, we’re taught that we have to do everything: we have to give birth to the child and take care of the home, on top of trying to manage the little bit of life we have left. I can’t overstate how important it is to choose a partner who doesn’t view parenting or caring for the child as something that is solely a woman’s responsibility. Hands-on dads who also champion and support their partner’s individuality while being present and equally responsible for the child's well-being are what every woman needs to thrive in motherhood.
While the role of motherhood is undoubtedly transformative, you have to resist the temptation of allowing this role to define your identity entirely. When embraced autonomously, motherhood can evolve you as an individual and support your personal growth and self-discovery. Societal expectations that emphasize a mother's role as all-encompassing overshadow other aspects of our identity. We’re made to feel like shitty mothers if we are career driven, have hobbies, and god-forbid a social life. This pressure to conform to a singular identity as a mother can lead to a loss of individuality and a sense of disconnection from all the things that make you uniquely you. You stop feeling connected to your personal passions, career goals, and social relationships. Maintaining a sense of self beyond motherhood is essential to your own empowerment and fulfillment.
Cultivating a sense of self beyond motherhood means choosing to prioritize your personal passions, nurturing relationships outside the family unit, and pursuing individual goals. This not only enriches your life but also contributes positively to the family dynamic. A fulfilled and well-rounded mother is better equipped to navigate the challenges of motherhood, bringing a sense of joy and authenticity to the parenting journey. When you choose to define yourself through your roles as a mother and a partner, you slowly start to experience a sense of loss when faced with the inevitable changes and challenges that accompany these roles. This can lead to feelings of isolation, anxiety, and even depression. Ask me how I know!
The journey of motherhood is life-changing, and when approached with autonomy and a commitment to self, it becomes a source of fulfillment, joy, and self-discovery. By recognizing and celebrating the multifaceted nature of personal identity, you create space to navigate the complexities of motherhood with resilience, purpose, and a genuine sense of intentionality and authenticity.